Anthropologists have studied the ceremonies, rituals and customs of civilizations for centuries in an attempt to understand, document and unravel the mystery as to what makes them tick. Quite frankly, I think they’ve been barking up the wrong tree. One needs to look no further than the toilet - the virtual crystal ‘bowl’ that offers more insight and enlightenment than any wedding custom or cremation ceremony ever could. I truly believe that no other single aspect paints a more accurate reflection of the society in which you find it, than the toilet and its accompanying practices.
Take for example modern western society. Does the bathroom, in its full automation, flush toilets, Jacuzzi bath and shower massage not mirror the hectic, modern life of the average North American? Being fully decorated, and adorned with plants, aromatherapy candles, mood lighting, select reading material, foam bath and essential oils in an attempt to create a virtual oasis, it’s perhaps the only room in the house one can get a little peace and quiet. Calgon – take me away!
And how about the French? They have often been given a bad rap for being, pardon the pun, hoity-toity. You may not think your sh*t stinks either (to borrow a popular expression), if part of your daily rituals were jet cleaning your derrière with a bidet.
The Chinese have a completely different mindset toward society and their place in it – a mindset which can be linked to their toilet practices. A long history of communism has instilled within the general population a notion of working toward the greater good, as opposed to selfless gain at the expense of their fellow countrymen. There is strength in numbers and together, great things can be accomplished. Individualism is not something that is encouraged. It kind of reminds be of the “Borg” in Star Trek the next Generation and their perpetual loyalty to the ‘Collective’. Collective, being the operative word as ‘trough’ toilets are exactly as they sound. A long trough along the wall at which people line up, side by side and do their business and it’s then all hosed down a drain. Whereas in western countries, where using the toilet and your waste is considered to be a private affair, in China, it’s treated for what it is - waste. When approximately one in every 5 people on the planet is Chinese, the amount of waste produced by this population has to be dealt with in an efficient, detached manner without the strange preoccupation that western society seems to have with it. One only has to look at the sheer number of English euphemisms for the toilet and the things we do in it, to attest to that.
Indonesia has yet a different perspective on the toilet and its place in society as well. The toilet or kamar kecil is a place of business. It’s pretty much a do-what-you’ve-got-to-do-and-get-out affair.
Because of the nature of Indonesian bathrooms with their lack of sink, tub and any distinction between a wet/dry area, toilet seats in Indonesian bathrooms (if there is one) are always wet. It’s another one of those things that reminds you that the faster you get in and get it over with, the faster you can leave. It’s definitely not an environment conducive to pondering over crossword puzzles.
Indonesians don’t use toilet paper. For those of us having been raised using toilet paper, the mere suggestion of its absence suggests uncleanliness. This is not the case. People use the water from the mandi to wash themselves. I’ve actually heard Indonesians express the opinion that using toilet paper is disgusting. Someone once put it to me this way – if you were riding your bicycle through the countryside and you were suddenly overtaken by a truck that ran over a big pile of cow excrement and sprayed it in your face, would you wash it off or wipe it with a tissue? He had a point.
As for the actual toilets themselves, the most prevalent is the squat toilet. This is where your agility, balance, ability to multi-task, endurance and aim will all be tested. When it comes down to it, you use it for one of two reasons. The first of which, or number 1 as it’s commonly referred to, is what I tend to have the most issues with. The main problem for me is that I am female. Far be it from me to admit that my gender would limit me in any way, shape or form, but alas, I have to concede to the squatty.
For guys, it’s pretty much point and shoot. It’s not so easy being a woman, as despite pulling down your garments, when you’re squatting, if they’re around your ankles, they are still in the way! If you pull them half way down and roll them half way up, the excess material bunched behind the knees in the squatting position will cut off the blood flow to your lower extremities and you run the risk of losing all feeling in your legs and doing an impromptu backwards roll off the squatty platform.
Removal of at least one pant leg is required. With pant legs rolled up prior to entry, due to Indonesian bathrooms always having wet floors, you must then somehow find a way to remove one shoe and one pant leg without it dragging on the ground, sling it over your shoulder, remove half your undergarments and put your shoe back on, all while balancing yourself on one leg.
After a period of trial and error, I’ve found it’s better to face the wall while using the squatty for the aforementioned purpose because of what I consider to be a major design flaw and the fact that you don’t have the benefit of the distance or the underside of the toilet seat between you and the bowl to minimize ‘splash back’.
Once you have answered the call of nature, you’ve won half the battle. With the loose pant leg held securely in your teeth, you have to somehow make the water defy gravity to get under there without pouring it all over your shoes. After your best efforts, the latrine ballet must once again take place in reverse to put your pants back on. With the absence of toilet paper, even if you are clean, you’re still wet. I don’t know about you, but I find there are few less comfortable feelings than having to get dressed while you’re wet.
I find the squatty not only inconvenient, but a stressful experience – traumatic after I’ve had a few drinks. Despite my best efforts to ‘do as the Romans’, by getting used to eating rice every day and my new-found ability to ride side saddle in a sarong on a motorbike while balancing offerings on my head, I don’t think I will ever enjoy the squatty experience. But you know, maybe that’s the point.
If my theory is correct, then maybe this is an experience that was never meant to be enjoyed, but merely to be tolerated and got over with. After all, Indonesian society is based on meeting needs rather than catering to whims and desires. People here seem to take things as they come, seem to be generally happier on the whole and seem to be able to appreciate what they have. I guess it’s hard to do that while you’re sitting on the toilet.
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